Wednesday, September 5, 2018

Talking About Those Santas For Hire

By James Brooks


Santa Claus is coming to town. Or at least he would be if they hired a new one to be stationed at the mall already. So far? Empty. Children are fussing over it whenever they pass the section where their favorite Father Christmas would sit on. It is nearing the months of the holidays so where is he? Are they still on the process of hiring one? Seriously, why not just hire the same guy from last year? He has always been the Dallas Santa for Hire.

Oh. Turns out he passed away already earlier this year. That is sad and slightly disappointing. How will children take to a new Santa in this mall? Will they even notice the difference? Kids have tiny brains so probably not. The smart ones are too mature and smart to even think about sitting on the lap of an old guy.

How about Albus Dumbledore? The great and powerful wizard in Harry Potter that held a lot of secrets. He seemed like the perfect guy to be a Father Christmas. He had the same jolly personality on him too. It just does not sit well with a lot of people that he holds too many secrets though. A secretive Santa. Hey, a Secret Santa. Get it?

Remember Kind Theoden in Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers? That old guy that went Benjamin Button on us and aged backward? He could be a good Mr. Claus. A king so regal and just, happens to be a soldier too, to act as your Mall Santa? And instead of giving you toys for presents, he gives you horses and swords. That is awesome.

But that cartoon not to be taken seriously. South Park is known for being controversial, satirical and all out cruel. Hilarious, yes, but very crude. But it has been known as a masterpiece and has taught this humble writer a lot of things concerning some topic issues we never even heard of from this side of the globe.

But you want to hire one for a party. Probably a childrens Christmas party, by the looks of it. Maybe borrow the ones already hanging out at the malls for that one party. Pay him well too. It is not easy to handle talking to children who are loud, obnoxious and spoiled. Or worse, a combination of all three.

Why are we talking about cartoons? We were speaking about the missing Santa in the mall. How hard can it be to find an older man with a white beard? Unless they do not even want to volunteer in the first place. That is just a sad waste of material to work on. They could cosplay as some badass bearded dude.

Whoops. An old man in a red coat just walked up to the platform. Looks like they already found their next red Dumbledore for this year. He is a bit too skinny to be the jolly old man though.

If all else fails, there is Gandalf. According to charts, he is the strongest wizard in all of movie history. And if Mr. Claus is a strong wizard, would that not mean he can conjure so many cool presents for everyone? Okay, we have a winner.




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